The past couple of weeks I struggled with some injuries. The first one was a strained pectoral muscle, which I first felt when I woke up in the morning, but soon discovered that how I moved Cindy likely was the cause. I changed how I moved her but the consequence to that was a sore lower back.
Not to worry, our daughter Charissa came to the rescue! She took family medical leave time off from work, using that to come down for the week and help transport her Mom around. I found that to be a better “vacation” than the week I took off for Florida.
Family are not the only people who come to our aid. Many weekday mornings townsfolk visit Cindy for two hours. On weekday afternoons we used to receive visits from an agency, but I stopped that a few weeks ago because the visits from our townsfolk friends worked better for us. I put out a new call to friends and neighbors for afternoon visits and within the first week four new faces dropped by on weekday afternoons.
When townsfolk visit Cindy I usually spend about 5-10 minutes chatting with them as well. I also recently performed my first home gig of the American Discovery symphony at the home of the Satherlies. These are my means in the winter of having a social life, so important for brain health. I must maintain my own brain health in order to care for Cindy effectively at home, similar to putting on your own oxygen mask first before assisting children. Even when our main concern may be a loved one, we must be able to function well to act on that concern.
One big reason for keeping Cindy at home is neuroplasticity, the ability of brain cells to continually rewire, even throughout cognitive decline. Every day Cindy forgets more than she remembers but, as long as she is happy, she still remembers something. Cindy may or may not know who I am as a set of memories, but I have no doubt she feels who I am. She may not remember she is home, but I have no doubt she feels she is home. Being home allows Cindy to have these feelings that make her happier.
I keep the importance of brain health, neuroplasticity and the oxygen mask in mind when I come across a news item like B. Smith’s husband. I never heard of B. Smith before, but apparently I am in the minority. Still, I figure I know as much about her anonymous husband as many of his critics, unhappy that he lives with both his wife and his girlfriend under the same roof.
The disapproval of B. Smith’s husband by an NPR commentator prompts me to speak out. The commentator encouraged her own father to place his wife in a nursing home when he no longer was capable of being her caregiver under his roof. She touted her father’s daily visitations to the nursing home as a clear example of how to remain true to wedding vows, her point being to contrast this with the scandalous situation caused by B. Smith’s husband.
Me? With the lenses I use I assume B. Smith’s husband wants to care for his wife at home for the same reason I want to care for Cindy at home, his wife’s quality of life is better that way. The girlfriend allows this to happen by providing the social connection needed to maintain his own brain health. She is the oxygen mask.
Nursing home care may be the prudent choice for caregivers who would not have a social life otherwise, but the depressing nature of nursing home visits are bad for brain health. I know, I have been in that situation with my Mom. She was placed into a nursing home for good reason, given our family situation at the time, and I visited her daily on my way home from work. For a few months she knew there was such a thing as home, but she also knew she was not there. Eventually, she got to a point where I knew she could “feel” neither home, nor who I was, nor happiness. She simply had checked out from life.
I would be fine with the NPR commentator making a point about her father now getting the social interaction he needed for his health. Like I said, I placed my Mom in a nursing home with no second guessing. Yet the commentator instead emphasized the importance of honoring wedding vows. Seems to me the Spirit of Love has been lost in the translation.
Instead of a girlfriend I live in a small town where a call for assistance brings immediate and substantial results, along with children who pitch in as much as they can. I live in a small town where I can perform my symphony in a neighbor’s home and then get an offer to be adopted. I have not needed a girlfriend in order to help me take care of Cindy at home, where my attentive care means she will continue to “feel” both me and her home. I have loving neighbors instead.
Yet I know some people with a good measure of fame might also have a shortage of loving neighbors. For such people a girlfriend may be the only available oxygen mask that will allow them to maintain their brain health and keep their loved one at home (though the question of whether fame is worth the cost of a neighborly social life is a valid one). When confronted with a choice between the Letter of the Law, wedding vows, or the Spirit of Love, the best possible loving care for a spouse, which should we choose?
I do not know B. Smith’s husband’s true motivation. He could be a cad for all I know. Certainly this is what the NPR commentator thinks. What concerns me is that we tend to project our own experiences and feelings onto others. That being the case, why would our society assume the worst about B. Smith’s husband? Why do we assume the Letter of the Law should be obeyed always, rather than consider our responsibilities to where the Spirit of Love might lead
My recent research on brain health, along with my previous research about how and why our social systems malfunction, suggests an answer. We are caught in a positive feedback loop of negativity. Various authorities, as well as anonymous social media memes, lower our expectations for humanity, if not as a direct message then by the fear and anger used as tactics. We live down to those lowered expectations, which in turn provides feedback to lower our expectations even more. Trapped in such a downward spiral of dimmed expectations we do not trust in each other to do the loving thing; we must trust instead to the authorities, laws and vows that will keep us in line.
Fortunately, we still can escape this downward spiral of cynicism at local scales. I trust in how the Spirit of Love infuses my family and neighbors; I trust in how the Spirit of Love affects my own care for Cindy. Having such expectations for my neighbors and myself I project those onto my expectations that the Spirit of Love motivates B. Smith’s husband. As a remote observer I may be wrong, but at least I am not lowering expectations for someone’s behavioral excuse. If we expect people to be guided by the Spirit of Love they are more likely to live up to those expectations, to the benefit of brain health, social health, the full potential of caregivers and the happiness of their loved ones.
