My Cool Brother Dave

During our American Discovery Trail journey I observed and reported on the kindness we experienced along the way.  I often stated: “Expect trouble, find trouble. Expect kindness, find kindness.”  As I reflect upon his recent passing, I realize that my own expectations of kindness and community began with my cool brother Dave.

As the youngest of five brothers by a considerable amount, I am either the baby, the pleasant surprise or the mistake.  I was too small and my big brothers seldom home to pick on, which meant I effectively grew up with four fun uncles.  Dave was the most fun as his home became the annual vacation destination for my parents and me.

Memories of our family vacations included fun at the ocean, going to new places and people laughing around the kitchen table.  Many people equate a vacation with an exotic destination; I equated them instead with the welcoming warmth of Dave and Angela’s home.  As a long distance hiker I maintained this expectation that any home I entered could be my next vacation.  I was seldom disappointed.

Over the years Dave and Angela’s home grew in size, first with their own kids, then with friends in need.  This expanded my view of family to include people sharing the same home. They all became part of the “vacation package!”  Consequently, I considered the welcoming warmth of homes to be both my next vacation and my next family. 

Finding kindness in people requires a little more than expectations.  In this regard I believe our father influenced both Dave and myself with his favorite motto: “To have a friend be one.”  On countless occasions, I witnessed Dave put this into practice with people he met.  He would observe or discover some detail about the person and turn that into a good-natured conversation.  A little teasing was thrown in if he sensed that would work.

Perhaps this explains why I am much better at remembering details than names of people I first meet.  A friendship can be built around a detail easier than a name.  All the better if, like my cool brother Dave, I can start that friendship with light-hearted banter.  Adding this greeting approach to expectations of kindness, both learned in part from my brother, introduced me to good friends and welcoming homes throughout the country and abroad.

I took the lessons learned from my brother a step further.  Many of my instant friends across the country did not look like me, think like me or lived like me.  That made them no less friendly, nor their homes less welcoming.  Under favorable conditions, instant hospitality and friendship comes naturally to people of all regions, neighborhoods and faiths.  The lessons of kindness I learned from Dave blossomed into the unshakable belief in humanity gained from my journeys.

When Dave and Angela moved to Florida, so did my favorite vacation destination.  In January of 2015 Cindy and I went on our last vacation together, visiting my cool brother Dave in Venice, Florida.  Cindy’s cognitive decline had become irreversible by that time, yet we enjoyed the welcoming warmth of his home no less. We failed to cross off a couple items on our bucket list before Cindy’s early onset became too severe, but I would not trade the last few vacations at Dave’s home for a completed list.

Though Dave led a vibrant life, a concussion from a fall started a path of irreversible decline.  I sensed that time was growing short for him.  Since my care partner role made traveling to him difficult, last year I arranged for my brother and his clan to spend a week at a resort near me.  Though he faltered in many respects, I could still detect that playful spark within him that gained him instant friends.  He pretty much still knew me and we parted with a long lasting hug, each of us saying “I love you.”

We all should have a cool brother Dave who can provide lessons in kindness, friendship and the welcoming warmth of home.