Fighting Lethargy

I was feeling lethargic in recent months. Was this the breaking point for occasional sadness turning to depression? One day, before the recent March snowstorms arrived, the answer came to me. I was handling the present moment well enough, except for a lack of good news and things to get excited about. Months have stretched to years with the main event in my life always being Cindy’s gradual decline.

With the problem identified I escorted Cindy to the datemobile (wheelchair) and we went for a walk around Sunset Ridge Road. A quiet walk often comes to the rescue of my restless mind. This would be no exception.

I have walked and pedaled along Sunset Ridge Road many times, but this was the first time pushing Cindy in the datemobile. I reflected on how I went on at least one long distance hike every decade since the seventies. The longest gap came in the late eighties and early nineties, while our kids were young. Towards the end of that long gap I went from thinking about long distance hiking every single day to not at all. Work, family and community took over all my thoughts by then.

I realized the same thing was happening to me now. I plan on plenty of long distance hiking, but my endless caregiver role pushes out thoughts about future adventures. Unfortunately, instead of replacing them with the blossoming of children, my focus was the withering of a spouse.

My conscience moves back and forth between reflection and reality as I walk. Just so, I realized as I pushed Cindy along in front of me that this was not nearly as difficult as transporting her along the same route in the pedicab. I picked up my pace. Now I was jogging; pushing Cindy still was easier than pedaling her in the pedicab.

I easily could have jogged and pushed Cindy for the entire route. That’s when my first exciting thought came to me. We should enter Norfolk’s five mile race on Memorial Day! Indeed, I have done something like this before, pushing two kids in a stroller for the race.

My personal best for pushing two of our kids in a stroller was around 38:30. Sure, I’m much older now and Cindy may be heavier than two small kids, or maybe not given her attrition, yet I take care of myself better than ever before. No more sipping bacon grease out of the skillet! At least until the Memorial Day race I could look forward to training each day as a little bit of excitement.

Except the March snowstorms came, likely putting the training and the excitement on hold well into April. Fortunately, another exciting idea came to me during that walk, a new use for the pedicab.

After Cindy passes away I intend to use the pedicab locally to barter for a good home cooked meal, or whatever, and provide rides for the physically disadvantaged. Yet why limit the pedicab to local use? The new thought occurring to me, as I jogged along with Cindy in the datemobile, was that I should do some long distance pedicabbing. Along the way I could give rides to old friends, benefactors who made the pedicab possible and the physically disadvantaged.

Three routes come to mind. One would be a Northeast loop, visiting most of our friends and supporters. One would be along the East Coast and Appalachians, with siblings and winter in Florida a final destination. I could rent a UHaul for the return trip. The third would be along the American Discovery Trail, giving rides to all the folks who made that hike such a wonderful experience. I would transport the pedicab out west in a UHaul first. I’m not concerned about pedaling 200 pounds of bike and gear over the Sierra and Rockies, but I’m not about to pedal that load against the wind for the majority of the ride. With all three routes I will seek references for physically disadvantaged folks I could cheer up with a ride. (Um, to make my life easier, the disadvantage would be due to age or injury, not obesity).

How exciting!!!!! This is me! Travel! Adventure! Exercise! People! Kindness! To put this in perspective I’ve had this feeling once before. Before I started my first long distance hike I knew that lifestyle was for me. A wonderful relationship with a wonderful woman ended because of the certainty of that conviction. That feeling proved to be absolutely spot on. I have that same conviction now.

With this revelation I have something to excite me even throughout these March snowstorms and after Memorial Day. I use this now as an antidote whenever Cindy’s inevitable fate bothers me. I replace that sad thought with the image of a smiling passenger getting out in the sun for the first time in awhile and I’m good to go … at least for now.

I suppose if this continues long enough there will come a time when I will no longer get excited about a pedicab pilgrimage either. If that happens I will need to find something else to get excited about. I’m not meant for lethargy; I never was.