Cindy’s Gaze

Cindy cannot consciously move her muscles.  Consequently I never had to use the guardrails on her hospital bed to prevent her from rolling over.  Even so, over time her default bedridden position leans her to the left.  I correct this by propping up that side a little with a small pillow.

In the propped position Cindy’s gaze should be forward, which I make sure happens when I feed her.  She also gazes forward sometimes when I have the television on, though that usually occurs during feeding.  Yet her default gaze seems to be left even in her propped position.  Sometimes she gazes left where visitors will be standing or seated.  Other times she gazes slightly left and upwards towards the ceiling.

During her range of motion exercises, the only significant movement her limbs make now, she gazes directly into my eyes.  I see recognition there.  Our brain undergoes neuroplasticity until the end, constant rewiring for new perceptions and thoughts.  This gives me hope for my continued presence in her mind … perhaps even more.

After years of incurious noting of her leftward gaze towards the ceiling, one day I put my head next to hers, tilted at the same angle.  I discovered what she sees: 

Frisch took that photo of us on the last day of our 366 day, 5,000 mile walk across the country.  Used for a report of our journey in our local Norfolk Now news publication, he then gifted the photo to us.  The representative generosity from townsfolk that have benefited us over the years may be lost to Cindy’s gaze, but hopefully not all the memories that photo might recall.

This blog began with our American Discovery Trail journey.  Since there will be no more I can claim this will end up being our most amazing journey of all.  This for two extremely hard core journeyers, a husband and wife team at that.

I am no longer privy to whatever perceptions and thoughts enter Cindy’s mind.  Yet by gazing at the photo daily, rewiring her mind each time, I believe she recalls some memories from that experience together.  I also believe those perceptions of our past synchronize with perceptions in the present to include me.